I knew it would happen. I had been waiting for it, and it finally came. This past week, I got my first pang of "What am I doing?" while I was thinking about my upcoming trip. The reality of my choice has started to sink in, and I'm starting to examine my ability to be "up for the task." Don't get me wrong -- I am still extremely excited to see what lies ahead for me, but just the rationalization that I'm going to get on a plane and travel 9000 miles to a place where I know nobody is giving me a small case of the willies.
I'm right in the middle of writing my Bible studies for VBS, and one of the lessons I've picked out is about Moses and the burning bush. As I look at it through the eyes of someone who literally doesn't know what she's about to get into, I'm reading the passage with a new sense of clarity. I have really started to be able to identify with Moses -- here is a man who is living in relative anonymity, just watching some sheep. Granted, he had a rather remarkable childhood and adolescence, but that doesn't matter much to him now. He's content where he is; he has a loving wife and some great in-laws. Then all of the sudden, boom! God hits him with the burning bush. Out of nowhere, Moses goes from "Average Joe" to "God's Miracle Worker." And what makes me stop and think is that God didn't ask Moses if he felt like he was ready.
How often have I told God, just let me get these things sorted out in my life and I'll be ready to do what you tell me to do? I can remember a specific point in my life that I did just that. God gave me a directive during my freshman year of college: "Get out of this education thing and focus on serving Me." Like Moses, I didn't feel like I was ready to take on the yoke of ministry. So, I stalled. Moses told God that he wasn't a good speaker, and I told God that I didn't have enough money. I "made a bargain" with God -- I told Him that I would study both education and religion, and would look into seminary once I had made enough money teaching to be able to afford it. I followed that course of action, thinking that I had done my part by God. What I didn't realize was the heartache and lost time that choice would cause me later on down the road. After two years of teaching, God shut the door on that avenue of my life. I can look back now and see God's hand throughout the ordeal, but while I was going through it I didn't understand what had happened.
God has perfect timing. We may not understand it, but He does. Moses may not have thought he could lead the people, but God gave him exactly what he needed to make an eternal difference. So, as I'm going through my "Why me?" moments as I prepare for my journey, I can rest in the fact that God has me right where He wants me, and that He'll give me everything I need for each step along the way.
